When we were kids, we knew that someone didn’t care for us if they put out their foot and tripped us while we were walking. It is a game that children do to each other which can be frustrating and hurtful. This game playing can continue into adulthood and in our workplaces, taking a slightly different format. There are always people on our teams and individuals who we collaborate with who we may not get along. They challenge our decisions and actions and even might coerce us into accepting their way of doing things. After we give in because we are too tired of conflict, we are disappointed in our reactions. But it doesn’t have to be this way as leaders have a choice in how to face difficult people. A coach can help with that choice.
One of the most common topics that my clients bring to our coaching sessions is feeling powerless with a difficult colleague or boss. A leader can easily get derailed when they are constantly feeling judged or sidelined. Through our coaching conversations leaders become aware of what a difficult person is doing to them and begin the process of gaining control.
Here are seven leadership moves to deal with difficult people:
1. We Can Wish Them Away
There is an old adage that if we wish hard enough, the difficult people in our jobs and lives will disappear. Well, just the opposite is true. Leaders may believe they can “will” them away, but difficult people are here to stay. And just when one leaves, another arrives. So the first step in facing difficult people is recognizing that they are and will always be part of our work environments.
2. They Have Control Over Us
This myth is one of the craziest ones in dealing with difficult people. We oftentimes feel they have power over us. This is just a lie we tell ourselves! They can only control us if we allow them to.
- We need to speak up and share our concerns in an assertive and respectful way.
- We can’t just ignore the behavior if it is affecting our relationship and performance.
- We need to describe the behavior in non-judgmental terms.
- We can talk to a co-worker, colleague, boss or friend and ask how they might handle the situation.
- We can reach out to a coach.
3. We Are The Only Ones Stuck With Difficult People
Contrary to what we may be feeling, take comfort in knowing that all of us have difficult people to deal with. But what is fascinating is that what seems like difficult behavior for one person may not be difficult for another. Have you ever noticed that certain team members really get on your nerves but don’t seem to bother others? That’s because each of us reacts differently to the same behaviors or attitudes. Each of us brings our own unique imprint of what we think is difficult behavior.
4. We Are Not Contributing To The Conflict
Do you think that you are not impacting how the difficult person is acting towards you? No behavior takes place in a vacuum. In some way we might be rewarding the behavior. Maybe the individual is a whiner and we give in because we can’t put up with the whining. So think about how you may be reinforcing a difficult person’s actions. Becoming aware of how we are part of a difficult person’s behavior is key for leaders to make changes.
- Write down when a difficult behavior arises and note what is happening.
- Lean into how you are dealing with the behavior, whether you are encouraging or discouraging.
- Ask yourself how you might be adding to a difficult person’s actions.
5. A Leader’s Success Is Measured By How Other’s React
Absolutely not! Our success needs to be measured by how we deal with the difficult person, not by how they react. It is not our job to make a negative person act more positively. We can’t force an aggressive person to be less aggressive. We just need to respond with thoughtful ideas rather than react with anger.
6. We Have No Skills To Effectively Deal With Them
Of course leaders have an entire toolbox of skills and strategies to connect with a difficult person. It all begins with our communication. The best way to deal with a difficult person is to use assertive communication that is:
- Clear
- Open
- Direct
- Respectful
7. We May Actually Be The Difficult Person
This is the realization that some leaders may come to see. Yes, some of us may actually be the difficult person. Keep that in mind.
What strategies have you used to lead when dealing with difficult people?
Please reach out if you want some helpful tips in dealing with the difficult people in your life.